Saturday, May 14, 2011

Still Crazy After All These Years

I really haven't blogged since Mother's Day. I can legally blame blogger for the last two days, as they were down. But the days before that...writer's block?

I think that my post on last Sunday was too emotionally draining. It was a bit scary to put something so personal out there. For complete strangers to see is one thing, you guys don't know me so I am sorta okay with that one but I put it out there for 'casual acquaintances' to see. You know, people I might run into at the grocery, or at work, or at my daughter's Lacrosse game. Now they know a deep dark secret about me. What if they judge?

But really, as I think about that, I am okay with that too. I realize I am not as important in other peoples lives as my ego would like to think.

I forget how emotional and squirrely I get around this time of year. They say that your life runs in a cycle. If you had an emotional trauma at one point your body will cycle through it every year around the same time. Your subconscious keeps it hidden until the anniversary . Then it surprises you with a little memory. If you are anything like me, you take that memory out and play with it until it is a full blown reliving of the event.

Not really sure if that is healthy, but that's what I do. As time goes by, I don't dance with the memory like I used to. It's no longer a month long event. It has even shrunk to less than a week, in most cases. But it is still there. Time heals all wounds but it doesn't erase them. That memory is my scar. Most scars have a story. You remember where you got your physical scars, can retell them with flourish. Of course you would remember the emotional scars too.

That blog was the first time I had ever written all that out. It's a lot. Why in a blog? I don't know, but all day it pulled at me to be written there. I wanted to write a joyous little story about a mom and her children, but that was not the story that was in me. Cathartic for me? Most definitely. But maybe my need to write it wasn't all about me. Maybe it was put in the blogosphere because someone else needed to know they weren't alone.

I blog because I have a need to write. I blog about my life because I am certain there are others out there plodding along in a similar pattern that maybe need a sign that there is another person out there crazier than them.

Nice to meet you.

4 comments:

Phases Of Me said...

I'm the same way. I re-live old hurts, like a kid poking a dead animal with a stick. I just have to see if it still hurts, if the memory is still burned on my heart. Usually, it is. Some things lessen over time, but never leave us.

I haven't read the post you're referring to, I only recently started blogging myself, but I can totally relate to where you're coming from in this one.

Looks like I found a blogger I share something with. I look forward to reading your posts.

Itsme. said...

Phases,
Like a kid with a stick poking at a dead animal. Morbidly drawn to it. Perfect description. I look forward to comparing notes with you! Love your blog. And the post I referenced is "It's Not Just Another Mother's Day".

Liz said...

You just keep on writing then. No need to explain. This is your space to say what you feel. :)

Itsme. said...

Liz,
I'll keep on writing! Thanks Liz.