I find it much easier to point out the error of someone elses ways. I also can very clearly see how they could fix their ways. I do not like to look at the error of my ways (on the rare occasions that an error even shows up). Bob may not be the only one with shorts that don't fit. Let me tell you about my day.
Yesterday Bob and I bought 18 pounds of Easter candy. After loading up on all of that we went through the rest of the store and picked up the items for dinner (Chinese Chicken Salad...more on that later.) One of the last aisles we went through was the candy aisle. Not the Easter candy aisle, the regular candy aisle. I casually grabbed a bag of my favorite candy (Hershey Nuggets with Toffee and Almonds) and tossed it into the cart. Bob sees this and has the audacity to suggest there may be a small problem with me making that purchase. EXCUSE ME?!? All previous attempts at foreplay - poof - gone buddy!
Then he continued to say that the problem was I tended to eat the entire bag of those. NO! He was remembering empty gold wrappers in the kitchen garbage. NO! I did not eat them with my coffee and no I did not know that if you put a whole nugget in your mouth and swish your hot coffee around it that it melts in your mouth very seductively. Then he says he just cleaned a bunch of those same wrappers out from the car NO! Those were from a long time ago. He started to say something else but I was so busy envisioning shoving socks in his mouth to make him stop that I missed it.
Let me just clarify something here. I am not struggling with my weight. It's okay for me to eat chocolate. I am on this get healthy road trip with Bob for unity purposes only, to help him, to guide him...not, no, no, no certainly not because I have weaknesses with certain shiny golden treasure boxes of crunchy, nutty, melt in your mouth like velvet chocolates. Did I mention they have toffee in them too? Are we clear on this? I am fine.
After lunch yesterday, I had one piece of my candy before calling bingo (I work in an assisted living facility). I read somewhere that having a piece of something sweet after a meal will tell your body that the meal is over and is better for digestion. Like my stomach is down there waiting for more food because I haven't given it the signal. I can do that rule but that five vegetables a day rule is optional.
I forgot to bring one of the residents their money, so I had to go back to my desk, where my candy is sooooooo I popped another nugget in. I go back in to get down to the business of bingo when one of the caregivers looked at me, grabbed her belly and said "oh no! Battle of bulge for you? Stop it now.You too pretty." She's a Phillipina, hence the broken English and apparently the bad manners too! I mean how rude?! I am silently stewing about the nerve this woman has. Excusing her horrible behaviour because I now understand that in the Phillipines it's okay to tell people they are the size of a house. In public. With hand gestures in case you didn't get the gist of the fact that she is talking about your belly that is bulging like maybe you have a bag of candy hiding under your shirt. I hate her.
Can you imagine how the rest of my afternoon went? Me having conversation after conversation with myself about how horribly ill informed this woman is about being polite. And how I really never liked her anyway. And isn't her bottom a little saggy?!? And I see a few gray hairs there missy, time for a color job. All the while I am continually shoving down the voice that keeps on coming...weren't these pants a leetle (my made up word for the day. It is Mexican and means tinky tiny) bit tight? Haven't you been avoiding wearing a certain pair of blue jeans because they aren't as comfy as they used to be? Isn't an entire bag in one day excessive? And get real Teri, was' leetle' really the word you should use or are you sugarcoating?
Confession time. I can't stand the voice any more and it's right I am sugarcoating I ate an entire bag in one sitting, one evening, about two hours....please stop, stop, stop talking to me!
So maybe I need some help. That bag of nuggets I bought on Monday? There are five left. I had to buy another bag today. I knew it was wrong at the time but I did it anyway. EGAD!
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